Why Victims of Sexual Violence and Harassment Stay Silent...

Why are victims quiet about sexual harassment, assault, or abuse?

Why do they not tell someone, even someone they know, that they have been violated

or feel threatened

or have been coerced?

The headlines these days are covering everything from the #MeToo movement to

olympic gymnasts being sexually abused by their team doctor to

victims of harassment and violence by famous directors, newscasters, comedians and actors to

politicians, including our nation's president, being accused of sexual crimes.

Skeptics say,

"What took the victim so long to report?"

"How could the abuse happen for so many years and no one else knew about it?"

"After this many years and some inconsistencies in reports,

the accuser is in it for whatever money they can get from the accused."

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To understand victims' silence,

the terms used in the media will be defined in order to have a working knowledge of them.

(theconversation.com/whats-the-difference-between-sexual-abuse-sexual-assault-sexual)

Sexual Abuse is mainly used to describe behavior toward children, not adults.

All 50 states have laws that recognize that children are not capable of giving informed consent to any sex act.

In the United States, the age at which consent can be given ranges from 16 to 18 years (depending on the state).

Sexual abuse can include many different things, from

touching a victim in a sexual manner, to

forcing a victim to touch the perpetrator in a sexual way, to

making a victim look at sexual body parts or watch sexual activity.

Sexual abuse of a child is a criminal act.

Sexual Assault can describe a range of criminal acts that are sexual in nature, from

unwanted touching and kissing, to

rubbing,

groping or

forcing the victim to touch the perpetrator in sexual ways.

The term "sexual assault" also includes rape.

Sexual Violence is a term often used by social and behavioral scientists.

This term is far more broad than sexual assault.

It includes acts that are not codified in law as criminal but are harmful and traumatic.

Sexual violence includes using

false promises,

insistent pressure,

abusive comments or

reputational threats to coerce sex acts.

It can encompass noncontact acts like catcalls and whistles,

which can make women feel objectified and victimized.

It includes nonconsensual electronic sharing of

explicit images,

exposure of genitals and

surreptitious viewing of others naked or during sex.

Sexual Harassment is an even broader term than sexual assault.

There are three categories:

1. Sexual coercion--legally termed: "quid pro quo harassment"

This term refers to implicit or explicit attempts to

make work conditions contingent upon sexual cooperation.

The classic “sleep with me or you’re fired” scenario is a perfect example of sexual coercion.

It is the most stereotypical form of sexual harassment, but also the rarest.

2. Unwanted sexual attention is the more common form of sexual harassment.

--unwanted...

touching,

hugging,

stroking,

kissing,

relentless pressure for dates or sexual behavior.

To constitute unlawful sexual harassment,

the sexual advances must be unwelcome and unpleasant to the recipient.

They must be:

“sufficiently severe or pervasive” to “create an abusive working environment,” according to the U.S. Supreme Court.

3. Gender harassment is the most common manifestation of sexual harassment and

entails no sexual advance.

It involves conduct that disparages people based on gender, but implies no sexual interest.

From the legal viewpoint, sexual harassment is only prohibited in professional settings.

Catcalling or verbally harassing someone on the street is not against federal law,

though many states have outlawed certain types of threatening behavior.

(https://www.vox.com/policy-and.../definitions-sexual-misconduct-harassment-assault)

Sexual Misconduct is the most commonly used term in the media.

It's the safest description to use, because it does not necessarily mean that someone did something illegal.

But “sexual misconduct” is pretty broad —

it can cover everything from asking a work subordinate out on a date

to pressuring them for sex in exchange for career advancement.

Such imprecise language can leave listeners/readers wondering how serious the allegations are

and whether the behavior is against the law.

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A critically important fact to take note of:

Sexual abuse, sexual assault and sexual violence are crimes of POWER and CONTROL,

and offenders often choose people whom they perceive as most vulnerable to attack

or over whom they believe they can assert power.

(https://www.law.georgetown.edu/campus-life/advising.../general-information.cfm)

An offender often uses the victim's trust developed through their relationship

to create an opportunity to commit the sexual assault.

In addition, the offender may have intimate knowledge about the victim's life, such as

where they live,

where they work,

where they go to school,

or information about their family and friends.

This enhances the credibility of any threats made by the offender

since they have the knowledge about their victim's life to carry them out.

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So, why are victims silent????

There are a number of reasons women (who are the primary victims) do not come forward.

(according to Psychology Today's article titled, "Why Don't Victims of Sexual Harassment Come Forward Sooner?," by Beverly Engel, L.M.F.T.)

Shame

Shame is a feeling deep within us of being humiliated and foolish.

Shame causes distress or embarrassment or feeling disgraced.

When we feel ashamed, we want to hide.

As Gershen Kaufman stated in his book Shame: The Power of Caring,

“Shame is a natural reaction to being violated or abused.

In fact, abuse, by its very nature, is humiliating and dehumanizing.”

This is especially true with sexual violations.

The victim feels invaded and defiled,

while simultaneously experiencing the indignity of being helpless and at the mercy of another person.

Most people who have been deeply shamed take on the underlying and pervasive belief

that they are defective or unacceptable.

They feel unworthy, unlovable, or “bad.”

And this sense of shame has a cumulative effect.

Depending on how much a woman has already been shamed by previous abuse or by bullying,

she may choose to try to forget the entire incident,

and try to pretend it never happened.

Lowered self-esteem

Sexual violations deeply wound a woman’s self-esteem and self-concept.

The more a girl or woman sustains, the more her self-image becomes distorted.

Additionally,

acts of disrespect,

objectification,

and shaming whittle away at self-esteem until the victim has little regard for herself and her feelings.

The shame and resulting lowered self-esteem can lead to...

Denial and Minimization

Many women refuse to believe that the experience they endured was actually abusive.

They downplay how much they have been harmed by sexual harassment and even sexual violence.

They convince themselves that “it wasn’t a big deal.”

Some women are good at making excuses for their abusers.

Some say things like,

“I felt sorry for him,” or

“I figured he wasn’t getting enough sex at home," or even

“I knew he couldn’t help himself.”

And, women convince themselves that they are the only victim of a sexual harasser or abuser.

Feelings of Hopelessness and Helplessness

Research has shown that victims who cannot see a way out of an abusive situation

develop a sense of hopelessness and helplessness,

and this in turn contributes to them giving up, accepting their fate, and not trying to escape or seek help.

Specifically, learned helplessness is a condition in which a person suffers from a sense of powerlessness,

due to a traumatic event or persistent failure to succeed.

Fear of retaliation

For 70 percent of victims, the abuser is someone they know.

(According to RAINN--Rape Abuse and Incest National Network--the nation's largest anti-sexual violence organization)

And when that person is linked to the victim's economic survival or social standing or

--say it's their boss, friend, or teacher--

there are even more reasons to stay quiet.

Women fear losing their job,

fear they will be passed over for a promotion,

fear losing their credibility,

fear being branded an agitator,

fear being blackballed in their industry,

fear for their physical safety and those in their family.

Other Fears

(https://www.womenshealthmag.com/sexual-assault-reporting)

Fear of angering family members

Fear of rejection

Fear of lack of evidence

Fear that police would not or could not do anything to help

Fear of the justice system

Fear of not being believed

Fear of being blamed

Fear of humiliation

Fear of reliving the trauma through lawyer questioning and courtroom cross-examination

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So, why are victims of

sexual abuse,

sexual assault,

sexual harassment, and

sexual misconduct silent so much of the time?

It takes an extraordinary person to ever disclose such experiences.

Rather than standing in judgment,

let us remember the myriad of reasons why victims are quiet and

let us respond with compassion and care and support.