Ways to Assist a Grieving Person

Helping a Grieving Person.

When someone you care about is grieving after a loss

it can be difficult to know what to do or say.

You may be afraid of saying the wrong thing

or making them feel even worse than they already do.

Perhaps you think there is little you can do to make things any better for them.

But your comfort and support can make a difference to someone's healing.

Of course you cannot take away the pain of their loss

but there are many ways to show how much you care.

Tip #1: Understand the grieving process.

A. There is no right or wrong way to grieve.

Grief never unfurls in orderly, predictable steps.

Grief oftentimes is an emotional rollercoaster

with crazy lows and confusing highs and

many, many times of feeling stuck.

Everyone goes through the process differently,

so avoid telling the grieving one

what they "should" be feeling or doing.

Feelings of guilt, anger, despair, confusion, and fear are common.

The grieving person needs assurance that what they are feeling is normal.

B. There is no timetable for grief.

For many, recovery after bereavement takes 18 to 24 months,

but for others, the process may be longer or shorter.

Every person is different, every loss is unique,

therefore there is no set time for the end of grief.

Do not pressure the one who is grieving to "move on"

or send a message that they've been sad "too long."

This can actually repress the healing process.

Tip #2: Have an idea of what to say to someone who is grieving.

A. Acknowledge the situation.

Example: "I heard that your _______ died."

Use the word "died." It indicates that you are strong and can manage the facts of the upsetting reality.

B. Express your concern.

Example: "I am sorry to hear that this happened."

C. Be genuine in your communication.

Example: "I'm not sure what to say, but I want you to know I care."

D. Offer your support.

Example: "Please know that it is okay to cry or scream or anything you need when I am with you."

E. Ask them how they are doing.

Example: "How are you? I want to be a listening ear for you as you go through this, if that can be a help to you."

(Tips #1 and #2-- American Cancer Society)

Tip #3: Be willing to sit in silence.

If the one who is grieving doesn't feel like talking, don't press them.

Often, comfort for them comes from simply being in your company.

If you can't think of something to say,

just offer eye contact,

a squeeze of the hand,

or a reassuring hug.

Tip #4: Let the grieving one talk about their loss and how it happened.

People may need to tell the story over and over again, sometimes in minute detail.

Be patient.

Repeating the story is a way of processing and accepting the loss.

With each retelling, the pain lessens.

By listening quietly and compassionately, you're helping them heal.

Tip #5: Offer comfort and reassurance.

A. Only share your own loss experience if you think it would help the one you are caring for.

B. Continue to support the one in grief

through care

and compassion

and assurance that their experience is unique.

(Tips 3 thru 5--American Hospice Foundation)

Tip #6: Know what NOT to say.

Do NOT talk in platitudes.

There is a temptation to comfort the griever with platitudes like: "It will get better over time."

Research suggests that consolers offer such platitudes out of anxiety

and that they actually backfire.

As well-intentioned as these platitudes may be,

they can be hurtful because they minimize

and ignore the griever's current pain.

They effectively shut the griever down from further expressions of negative emotion.

Comments to AVOID when comforting someone who is grieving:

"It's part of God's plan."

"Look at what you have to be thankful for."

"They are in a better place now."

"This is behind you and it is time to get on with your life."

"Just get pregnant again and you can move on!"

"Time heals all wounds."

"The Lord never gives us more than we can handle."

"Everything will be okay."

"You're still young."

"It all happened for the best."

"You can have other children. "You can rebuild."

"At least he or she are out of pain."

"Something good will come of this."

"God needed another angel."

"God wants to make you stronger through this."

"Everything happens for a reason."

"It was just their time to go."

"It could have been worse."

"You must be strong."

"Why are you still crying?"

"I know just how you feel."

Tip #7: Be practical and relieve the one who is grieving.

Offer to:

1. Shop for groceries.

2. Run errands.

3. Drop off a meal or cook them dinner or send food deliveries.

4. Help with funeral arrangements.

5. Stay in their home to field phone calls and receive guests.

6. Assist with bills and get their mail.

7. Take care of housework; laundry, cleaning, vacuuming.

8. Watch their child(ren) or do school drop-off and pick-up.

9. Drive them wherever they need to go.

10. Attend to their pets.

11. Go to appointments with them.

12. Accompany them on walks.

13. Take them to lunch or a movie.

14. Be a partner as they sort through clothes/belongings of one they are grieving.

15. Invite them over for a meal.

16. Send them a gift card.

17. Be present and available even months after the loss.

The one who is grieving struggles with many intense and painful emotions.

Often, they feel isolated and alone in their grief.

But, having someone to lean on can help them through the grieving process.

Be that "someone."