Adopted Children and The Primal Wound

Adopted Children and 'The Primal Wound'...

Being an adoptive parent,

and a professional who has counselled many foster and adopted children and their families,

an understanding of the depths of the child’s emotional pain and resultant behaviors

has been a necessary goal of my life's journey.

One of the most helpful resources I have found to help me achieve this goal is

the book,

The Primal Wound, by Nancy Newton Verrier.

My attempt at summarizing some passages from the book will be of help

to those who want a better awareness of what adopted children and their parents

experience behind closed doors.

The acknowledgement and awareness of the primal wound in these children is necessary, first of all.

“Bonding between a mother and child does not simply begin at birth but begins in utero

and continues throughout the postnatal bonding period.

There is a continuum of physiological, psychological and spiritual events throughout this period. When the natural evolution is interrupted by a postnatal separation from the biological mother,

the resultant experience of abandonment and loss is indelibly imprinted upon

the unconscious minds of these children, causing the ‘primal wound.’” (p.1)

It is important to acknowledge this loss and its effect on all involved in adoption.

As adoptive parents, we cannot make up for the pain and loss our adopted child experiences.

What has been proven to be most effective in diminishing the pain and loss is

to provide the child a permanent caregiver as soon as possible

after the rejection and abandonment experienced.

If the child experiences multiple caregivers through temporary placements

or institutions

or foster homes,

the child is “deprived of some of the requisites for normal psychological development:

a continuity of relationship,

emotional nurturing,

and stimulation.

Attachment is more difficult and bonding impossible.

As the number of caregivers increases, the ability to attach diminishes

and the numbing of feelings becomes more and more evident.” (p.6)

Adoption has been seen as the best solution for abandoned children,

but knowledge of and respect for the child’s wound is necessary throughout the adoption journey.

“Despite the continuity of relationship which adoption provides,

adopted children experience themselves as unwanted,

are unable to trust the adoptive relationship as being permanent,

and often demonstrate emotional disturbances and behavioral problems.

And, although these symptoms may be more evident

in children who have had previous multiple caregivers,

(Verrier’s) research has shown that they are also present in those children

who were permanently placed at or near birth.” (p.7)

It is Verrier’s belief that,

“the severing of that connection between the adopted child and their birthmother

causes a primal or narcissistic wound, which affects the adoptee’s sense of Self

and often manifests in

a sense of loss,

basic mistrust,

anxiety and

depression,

emotional

and/or behavioral problems,

and difficulties in relationships with significant others.” (p.21)

As an adoptive parent, this truth of the primal wound in my children is helpful in the day-to-day parenting of and responses to my little ones. But, it is also a truth that holds much sadness.

Adopted parents and families can never erase the wound.

We simply try to provide as much healing to the wound as possible, this side of heaven.

I find solace in Psalm 68:5, 6

"A father to the fatherless...is God in His holy dwelling.

God sets the lonely in families."